Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
[x]

deviantART

 


they laced their fingers together, first one hand, then the other.
she moved in closer,
put her head on his shoulder.
breathed in his smell, breathed out her fear.
she raised her head.
looked into his eyes.
they were breathing in sync.
she blinked.

their lips met.
©2008-2009 ~LittleMollyJewel
:iconlittlemollyjewel:

Author's Comments

inspired by majimaune's Alone, Together [link]

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconmajimaune:
:heart:

--
Here's to the kids out there smoking in the streets,
They're way to young but I'm way to old to preach,
They know it all but they still ain't seeing the truth,
Just play my song and I'll show it all to you.

Ragoo - Kings of Leon
:iconlittlemollyjewel:
could be... just anonymous characters, like in geoffrey's one :)

--
promise me no dead-end streets, and I'll guarantee we'll have the road.
:iconleoraigarath:
I love the simplicity in your tone, it’s the second poem I read and it’s the second time I easily connect. You sure have your way with words.

I see that you like this form, with no capital letters and a bit intuitive structure against a very orderly one. It’s good to a point, since it works fine in both poems. But regarding this poem I think that you should have used a bit of capitalization. I.e. - It should have opened with a capital T and ended with a capital T, to close the circle you drew. I believe it would make it complete, a journey into love.

Also, in this poem I feel that the punctuation shouldn’t be so severe – so many periods make it very tight, this is a bit of a contradiction with the very loose and comfortable feel you create with your words and images. I.e – in the second and third lines you should consider a comma instead -

she moved in closer,
put her head on his shoulder.


It feels like a one piece not two separate concepts that should be divided by breaking the lines AND period. Breaking the line creates a feel of flow in steps; the comma just cuts it off. This is not the only place this issue occurs, just pointing it out.

Aside of the punctuation and the capitalization you chose such a beautiful and simple words to describe this that I couldn’t but smile as I read it, and as I write this too. You really have a beautiful way of expressing yourself.

--
Some days I write those words, others they write me.
:iconlittlemollyjewel:
thanks for your comment and the punctuation advice/help. :)

--
keep your dream alive, dreaming is still how the strong survive. :invisible:
:iconleedleturnip:
I like it. The simplicity makes it. :)

--
"I build up walls not to keep people out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over them."
-Anon.

Details

April 6, 2008
404 bytes

Statistics

7
9 [who?]
187 (0 today)
1 (0 today)

Site Map